The Momma's heart never forgets

That morning in March

When the test was positive - in digital words - read: Pregnant

With shaking hands, excitement and anticipation in my voice, I called J as I got ready for work and he drove in to work

I told him 'It's POSITIVE, We're PREGNANT!, We did it! It's really going to happen"

My heart was so full I thought it would burst and keeping it quiet all day was the hardest thing I had to do

I called the OB and made a 9 week appointment

The day FINALLY came, our first appointment, in the afternoon, to get our first ultrasound

Estimated due date: November 18,2010

Finally our names were called and we walked back to the exam room, full of excitement, and of fear, fear that I hadn't had many 'symptoms' aside from the positive tests, and a few bouts of feeling 'eck'

The technician put the wand on my belly...moved it around ... didn't say anything

Maybe the baby is too small, we thought, maybe my dates were off

She tried an internal wand

For a long time she looked around

For a long time she said nothing

When she spoke she said 'let me go get the doctor'

And she left us in the room ... for a long time

Tears stung my eyes as I tried to make out the images on the screen, seeing what I thought maybe was the baby, our baby, our little soul

The doctor came in - a man we had never seen before

He said either the baby was too small and it was too early, or there was no baby.

There was a sac but no baby

Go upstairs and get your HcG levels checked, he said

The look on the nurse's face said "I've seen this before, this does not end well"

The levels were high, but dropping, not a good sign

We knew what was going to happen

Our baby, our sweet little soul never grew

God gave him / her wings before we even got to say hello or goodbye

April 23, 2010 with tears in my eyes, holding J's hand tight saying "I don't want to have to do this again" the doctor did the surgery, good as new.

But the Momma will never forget, November 18, 2010

August 22, 2010 and May 30, 2011 - God was good to us, gave us a textbook pregnancy and (as you all know) a textbook baby, perfection personified.

God is good and I am thankful for all of our blessings. For the bad, He gives back even more good.

Everything happens for a reason.

Today and on November 18 I think of our little soul, watching over us, learning, and teaching. And I thank God for everything that we have been given - strength, love, guidance, and kindness. And our dear sweet piece of heaven on earth, LC.