On this day we remember

A Mama never forgets....2 years ago today I woke up to horrible cramps, massive bleeding, desparately searching the internet and reaching out to my Bump message boards, filling them in on what was going on.

J went to WalMart at 6am, unshowered, in a baseball cap and his old shorts and ratty t-shirt, to buy me the BIGGEST, most absorbant pads on the market.

I almost fainted in the shower.

It was supposed to happen today anyway, the surgery, but it started all by itself in the morning.

The dr still wanted to do the surgery, as I spoke to her at 6:20am, hearing cars outside as she made her way to work, she told me to be calm and keep her posted.

1:00pm came too soon.

I cried in the car to my mom as we made our way into the hospital parking lot.

I almost fainted again waiting for the wheelchair in the parking lot to make it into the hospital.

Fasting and I do not do well. 

I cried as they hooked up my I.V. and put my surgery cap on.

I cried as J leaned over and gave me a kiss and told me to be strong, as I blubbered "I never want to have to do this again, ever"

The gentle hands of my dr and the graces of God let it all go smoothly.

I woke up - it was done, all clear.

I went home, laid on the couch, watched tv, and wrote in my journal.

My last goodbye, to our sweet tiny baby who never got a chance to live, never got a chance to even grow.

Some call it a blighted ovuum, I don't care what its called, it was our baby, our first baby, who now has wings, who the Momma always remembers.

This morning LC woke up and didn't make a peep - I happened to turn on the monitor to check on him before I got out of bed, and there he was, standing up in the corner of his crib, with his paci in, just staring out at the little world that he knows.

I went in and picked him up, then I handed him off to J while I took a quick trip to the bathroom before nursing him. He cried as soon as I gave him to J - he only wanted his Mamma.

Bathroom trip be gone - I sat right down in the glider and nursed my almost 11 month old baby boy without batting an eye. No biting, just cuddling up to me, nursing for a full 5 minutes, not breaking the latch, and then switching.

They say that babies are perceptive. LC is one of them.

His cries for only his Mamma, his soft sweet nursing, his big smiles and burps when he's done, his calmness when we got dressed....

I love my little boy more than the world, but I will always remember.......and somehow, I think he will too.....